36 questions to fall in love, rewritten for your mam’s 70th

Put the link in the family WhatsApp with one question for each person. Her sister, her neighbour and her grandchild each talk about her for a minute or two, and the answers go into one book.

Where the 36 questions come from

In 1997 the psychologist Arthur Aron and his colleagues published a study in which pairs of strangers took turns answering 36 questions. The questions come in three sets of 12, and each set asks for more than the one before. The study found that a gradual increase in what people told each other went with feeling closer straight after. Aron and colleagues, 1997

Mandy Len Catron wrote about trying them in The New York Times in 2015, in an essay called To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This. The full original list is kept by the Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley.

What changes when the family answers them

In Aron’s study each person talked about themselves. Here each person talks about her, and she hears all of it at once on her birthday.

Under every question below is the Aron original it was rewritten from.

How to use them for her 70th

Give each person one question

Match the question to the person, using the three sets below. A neighbour gets one from the first set. Her sister gets one from the third.

Send the question with the link

Each person opens the link, says who they are and records their answer.

Give a date

Ask for the recordings three weeks before the birthday if you want the printed book on the day.

Give the children their own question

Children under 10 get one of the 12 short questions further down. A seven-year-old can tell you what’s in Granny’s handbag.

Set one: for anyone who knows her

A neighbour, an in-law or a friend from work can answer these.

1. If she could have anyone to dinner, living or dead, who would she pick? What would she cook them?

   Aron’s question 1: Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

2. What would she be famous for if the whole county found out?

   Aron’s question 2: Would you like to be famous? In what way?

3. Describe her perfect day, down to the biscuit.

   Aron’s question 4: What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?

4. When did you last hear her sing, and what was it?

   Aron’s question 5: When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

5. What was she like at 30? If you didn’t know her then, what have you heard?

   Aron’s question 6: If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

6. What will she still be doing at 90 that everyone told her to stop?

   Aron’s question 7: Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

7. Name something the two of you have in common that nobody would guess.

   Aron’s question 8: Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

8. Which ordinary thing she does would you be lost without?

   Aron’s question 9: For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

9. Which of her rules did you break, and did she ever find out?

   Aron’s question 10: If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

10. Tell her life story in under a minute, the way you’ve heard it told.

    Aron’s question 11: Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

11. Which one quality of hers would you take for yourself?

    Aron’s question 12: If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

12. Which of her sayings does the family still use?

    This one stands in for Aron’s question 3: Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

Set two: questions that ask for a story

These suit the people who have known her for years.

13. Ask her the question you’ve never asked. She can answer at the party.

    Aron’s question 13: If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future, or anything else, what would you want to know?

14. What has she always wanted to do and never done? Offer to go with her.

    Aron’s question 14: Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

15. What is she proudest of that she’d never admit?

    Aron’s question 15: What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

16. What kind of friend is she at 2am?

    Aron’s question 16: What do you value most in a friendship?

17. Your best memory of her. Where were you standing?

    Aron’s question 17: What is your most treasured memory?

18. A bad time she got you through, and what she said or did.

    Aron’s question 18: What is your most terrible memory?

19. What do you want to do with her while you both can?

    Aron’s question 19: If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

20. When did she become your friend as well as your mam, aunt or neighbour?

    Aron’s question 20: What does friendship mean to you?

21. Does she say “I love you”, or does she say “did you eat”?

    Aron’s question 21: What roles do love and affection play in your life?

22. Five things about her, fast, no stopping to think.

    Aron’s question 22: Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.

23. What does her house sound like at Christmas?

    Aron’s question 23: How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

24. What did she get from her own mother that you’ve seen passed down?

    Aron’s question 24: How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

Set three: for the people closest to her

Aron’s pairs reached these after the first 24.

25. Finish this: “We’re the only two people who…”

    Aron’s question 25: Make three true “we” statements each.

26. What’s the thing only she understands about you?

    Aron’s question 26: Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share…

27. Tell a stranger the one thing they’d need to know to get on with her.

    Aron’s question 27: If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for them to know.

28. What do you love about her that you’d never put in a card?

    Aron’s question 28: Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.

29. The time she mortified you. Do the voice she used.

    Aron’s question 29: Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.

30. The last time she made you cry, good or bad.

    Aron’s question 30: When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

31. What did you notice about her the first time you met?

    Aron’s question 31: Tell your partner something that you like about them already.

32. What would you never slag her about?

    Aron’s question 32: What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

33. Say the text you typed to her once and deleted.

    Aron’s question 33: If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?

34. Pick the ring, the jug or the photo on the fridge, and ask her the story behind it.

    Aron’s question 34: Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

35. Who in the family has her laugh? Tell them.

    Aron’s question 35: Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?

36. Ask her advice on something going on for you now. Leave a gap for her answer.

    Aron’s question 36: Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how they might handle it.

12 questions for children under 10

One of the posts on a Gransnet thread about a mum’s 70th was from a gran whose grandchildren gave her 70 cards. The one she remembered said because you take good care of Grandpa and we love him too. Gransnet

• Why do you love Granny?
• Do Granny’s voice when she’s calling you in for dinner.
• What does her house smell like?
• What’s the best thing she makes?
• What does she let you do that Mammy doesn’t?
• What’s in her handbag?
• What game do you play with her?
• If Granny was an animal, what would she be?
• Tell her a joke she hasn’t heard.
• Sing her a song.
• What do you want to do with her next summer?
• What do you want to ask her?

What one family kept

A ProPublica writer kept his parents’ voicemails after they died. His mother’s ran to There’s a storm coming your way… Please drive very carefully… Love you. ProPublica

On this page, questions 3, 4, 12 and 23 ask for that kind of ordinary thing: a biscuit, a song, a saying and the noise of her house at Christmas.

Put all the answers in one book

One person starts the book and sends one link. Everyone records from their own phone by opening the link. Chorus writes out every message beside its voice and lays it into a book with a page for every person who takes part.

Gathering and saving the voices is free. You only pay when the book is ready, and the price is on the home page.

Start a book for her 70th